Does Love Working in Marriage?

Every wedding seems to come with endless checklists of tasks: reserve the church and reception hall; send invitations; schedule the photographer, caterer, flowers and decorations; choose the wedding gown; and make the hair appointment, to name a few.

Now you've done all the work for the wedding. Are you ready for the work of marriage? But how can it be work? Pop culture tells us, all you need is love. In one sense, pop culture is right: Love is all you need, but only if, as researcher Gary Chapman explains, “love is a verb.” If couples are to meet the challenges and stresses of life, then “love has to be more than something we feel. It has to be something we do.”

Unfortunately, we often think of love as a noun: A wonderful, euphoric feeling we're “in.” But that feeling won't keep a marriage going. To understand love as a verb, consider how it “looks” when it's working:

♦Gender differences provide both the greatest joys and the greatest frustrations of marriage. Women talk to connect; men don't. Men think a lot about sex; women don't. Love values these differences, even when they're driving you crazy.

♦We often hear what we want to hear and don't listen at all when we're distracted. Love not only listens, it tries to understand what's being felt. This isn't easy. But “doing” love often isn't easy.

♦Spouses often are asked to do what they don't want to do, when they don't want to do it. She loves gardening and hates golf. He hates gardening and loves golf. Love changes the formula: “We” becomes more important than you or me. The “we” works to love both hobbies.

♦Most couples enter marriage with unrealistic expectations: “My spouse is perfect; our life will be perfect.” Neither your spouse nor your marriage can live up to these expectations. Love works to put these expectations into a realistic perspective and moves couples to build a healthy relationship based on mutual respect and caring.

♦We all make major mistakes: Forgetting anniversaries and neglecting to pay bills on time. We also have habits that irritate those close to us: Leaving dirty socks on the bathroom floor; not closing the garage door after we leave for work and forgeting to call home when we're away. We don't mean to irritate our spouse, but it happens anyway. Part of the work of love is to forgive. Forgiveness means letting go of the anger and recognizing that the relationship is more important than the issue.

You can keep reminding your spouse about the socks and the garage door, but love does it with an understanding tone. Love replaces the frustration and anger, which only hurt your marriage.

Love is an active verb, involving hard work. It's easy to value the differences between men and women ... until those differences become annoying. It's easy to listen ... until we're busy or don't like what our spouse is saying. It's easy to sacrifice ... until we're asked to give up something truly important. We can easily put aside expectations ... until we've been really disappointed. And forgiveness is a wonderful concept ... until we've been hurt, deep down inside.

But the joys and rewards the work of love brings to marriage are incredible. Indeed, love is the most rewarding work you will ever do.